Breaking within...Edit 17122013

Sorry for the depressing title, but I hope I can get this off my chest. So to those who does not wish to get their lovely day ruined, please discontinue reading. 

When I enrolled a course back in year 2008, I hoped to have graduated with a degree and get a decent job.

However, that changed when my 2nd sis was diagnosed with diffuse large B cell lymphoma last August. 
I stopped that course just to be with her as she undergo chemotherapy at November last year until her passing this May. 

It was during one of those last days when mom came to visit 2nd sis and I left them to their private talk, mom later told me something like this : 

"Your sis suggested me to cut off your allowance, then see how you'd survive." 

As much as I was frustrated, I had no reason to get angry. Simply because mom knows best. 

Evidently, I had too much for granted (as firmly reminded by a once-known dA friend) and living the idle life. 

I was vaguely determined to finish the course, but from the time of 2nd sis's treatment, I lost that flame. The interest was running away and I had little intention to pick up where I left. 

A month after 2nd sis' passing, my eldest sis gave birth to a second child. Her concern was mom could not handle two toddlers at the same time, so she asked for my help. I moved in, with mom's laptop with me, and my PSP, and started babysitting. 

But things are not doing well, the bigger toddler sees me not interacting with him and says he does not like me. Nor was I of help with the little new-born since that is mom's job. I was more of an extra pair of hands to deal with cleaning, bathing, throwing little things such as diapers, milk bottle washing, and keeping an eye on them while mom is bathing or using the toilet.  I took big sis' internet service for granted and browsed FB and iS talking to for the most part. Mom has all the reasons and the rights to get furious with me for "wasting my money and not attending courses." --- all the more right reasons to take my 2nd sis' advice and cut off any financial support. 
Afraid? Why, yes. 
Will it drive me to finish studies? I am not sure.
Will it drive me to go look for work? Certain enough. 
Will it drive me to lower my dignity and work at things I hardly find joy in? If I ever had to go that low, then I have to. 

Will I be happy with whatever work I might have? Doubt it. 

Last two days I hardly talked to mom, and when I tried to, there seems to be no point in starting a conversation.  I tried small talks such as "going to the bathroom" or "can I eat that?" and all she did was a wave of her hand.  I noticed she grows more white hair over night. 

Sometimes I wish I know what is she thinking, because times like this, I thought I know, but sometimes I do not. 

Saying "I'm sorry" does not seem I meant it in her eyes. How can I? I wonder if she's thinking I never do anything. 

I had to wonder, for someone who has been through poverty and carrying a great burden of feeding 8 mouths during her youth, what was mother thinking? What driven her to take up teaching? For the long term pension? She laid so many plans for us (my sisters and I) , taking music lessons, starting joint-accounts, invest a banking bond. Did she not had any hobby of her own during those days ? She never reads novels, because she thinks those are just escape from reality and served no purpose. 

Rowling went through some personal hurdles of her own before she made it to the Forbes list, she is not young, but she went through that. 

And whenever I took up John Hollond's test, I still ended up as the "Artistic" section. 
So why did I took up that course?
I said to mom before that in 2003-4 that "I studied because for you." 
And she replied back "If that's the case then don't you ever study and go get a job."
But this world ? This society I am in ? 
I need a cert to get a job that would give me bread to eat and roof to sleep in. 
So I took up that course, since I thought English was my strong point.
But this flame is fading, and I have little or no idea what would become of me, a now 33 going 34 single girl. 

I hated age limit in job descriptions, it makes us feel under-valued. And I hated even more with the educational requirements. 

No, all and all this rant is not about blaming others. 

I honestly do not know what I am writing now. Maybe I am self-blaming. I certainly sounded like micromanaging others and a jerk for being a nagger. 

The youngsters I see at cosplay group, I keep telling them to just go pursue what they want because I do not want them ended up like me right now. I wonder if that would make any difference. 

Bottom line is, I do not know where should I go from here. 
People had been offering me help and yet I do not know why I do not want to take some. 
Stubborn? Pride? Procrastinate? 
Yeah, they seem befitting me right now. 

Micromanaging ? Control freak? 
That sounds like me alright. Just look at the RPs I had with friends.. and how I run my volunteer dance group. 

Fear of the change and its outcome?
That is most certain of it.. 

I still do not know what should I do. 
Mom is still not in good talking terms with me.
Nor do I know if talking with my big sister about it would make any help for her with babysitting. 
Mom seems capable of looking after two of them now without much of my help.. So I wonder if it is time I ask sis to stop giving me allowance and go venture to something else?
Continuing my course? I still want to.. but the passion needs rekindling. 
Get some part-time job? I gotta fight with my inner demon and see just how low should I go and be ridiculed at in others' eyes..
Do I still want to cosplay? Yeah, maybe until I stop at being Prof. McGonagall somewhere age 50? 

Do I still want to draw my comics? Still do, despite the high-rise competitors. No.. I rather want my own pace in my comic, for pure reading fun and not getting people to chase for next chapters.. 

So what am I lacking?

Maybe just that one bit of courage to take the first step... 
... or simply mom's approval.. which seems so far away and out of reach..